Setbacks Are Tough

"No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you or forsake you. " ~ Joshua 1:5

This verse reminds me that God is always with me no matter what. In whatever life circumstance or event, He is with me and will not leave me and will not forsake me. That is a pretty incredible promise and I sometimes forget all the times that He has never left me. So if I focus on those, I can know that no matter what He will be with me.

I have been learning a lot that our timing is not always God's timing. Actually it rarely is. Yes there are people out there that it seems everything they have planned has happened exactly when and how they planned it, but that is not completely normal for the rest of the world. I have to rest in who God made me and not worry about what others have or what they are doing, but know that this is the adventure He has given to me and to rest in that.

There definitely have been set backs to "my" plan. Sometimes I get mad or frustrated that things are not going how I want them to. I am really trying to work on that because really it does not matter. As far as surgery is concerned, it is a lot more complicated and intense than just setting a date and going under the knife. There are pieces to the puzzle they have to form, there are tests and measurements that need to be perfect, and the timing needs to be right. Everyone on the team needs to be on the same page. This all makes sense when you look at it this way.

Since there are obstacles, it changes the picture a bit and they really don't know what the plan is right now. I am getting treated with whatever infection I contracted. It probably was from India unfortunately, but I am still glad I went. I have a cardiac Catheterization scheduled for the end of July in Los Angeles, and then I will wait and see what is next. My nurse from the team that I have known for 20+ years now reminded me not to put my life on hold. That there are no guarantees on when and how things will happen, so just live my life.

I think all of that is easier said than done. We have been raising support, which has been a tremendous help since we are paying a ton of money out of pocket for the high premium, and the tests I have had so far have been really expensive. The money given has really helped us financially and we are so forever grateful. It is all getting put towards God's plan for me. I don't know what this year holds, but I do know that God is right by my side.

Waiting is Tough to do

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." ~ Romans 12:12

I was searching for versus on patience this morning, as I have had to have a lot of it in my life, as well as right now. It seems I struggle a lot with control and wanting to have it and make my own plans work. Well they don't always work because God's plan is better. I have to keep reminding myself about that because when I see small obstacles I go back to thinking that this is somehow not true or is not going to happen. 

Life has gotten really busy and I just haven't had time to write. I also wanted something significant to be there when I do write. But the last few months have been a lot of waiting. I went for the CT Scan and the results were never sent. After 5-6 weeks they finally got to UCLA. Then of course they had to wait until the ACHD tam could meet with the surgeon to go over the findings. 

Over all they were fine, but they found two problems that need further investigation. One was that I had an infection in my lungs. At the time of the CT scan I had a terrible cough that was lasting a long time. I am terrible at seeking medical attention, so I just put it off. Hopefully the infection has gone away, but I have to go to a lung specialist to get further information. That has to be cleared up before they will even proceed. 

Then they also found that the CT Scan showed that the artery to my right lunch looked very small. They will need a closer look at the dimensions to determine the valve that needs to go in. This requires a cardiac catheterization. If you don't know what it is, they put a tube with a camera up a main artery to your heart and take videos and pictures. They can also do procedure this way, which is pretty incredible. The Cath takes about an hour and then I leave the same day. It does cause soreness and bruising for a while after, but nothing I cannot handle. Unfortunately it has to be done at UCLA, so another trip we did not plan for is something we have to account for. 

There is a lot going on and I know I am taking this trip for the Cath and one to Nebraska without Matt around, so that is tough. I do know that God is faithful and we will be ok. 

I want to terminate these thoughts in my head that tell me things still are not possible. Those are lies and I have to focus on the very simple words of the verse above. Rejoice in Hope...... I need to be hopeful and rejoice in that. Be Patient in tribulation. Everyone has a different definition of tribulation, but God is calling me to be patient. Then be Constant in Prayer. I have to admit, I have not been constant. I have not prayed with great faith and I have not done this consistently. 

I am working on being more faithful and listening to the still voice of God who will ultimately give me peace. He has been so good to us and is bringing us through so many wonderful and exciting things, that we just have to keep our eyes focused on Him and His plan for us. 

Thank you for reading. I would love prayer for things to keep proceeding smoothly. 

Praise to the Lord

I wanted to start this blog post with the lyrics to a song that The Austin Stone has written (http://www.austinstoneworship.com/albums/1--austin-stone-live/songs/6--praise-to-the-lord) and that we have been singing at church. This past Sunday it brought the tears and a lot of emotion of what the words really mean to me. 

Praise to the Lord:

We praise You

Our Savior and Friend

Your mercy, it flows like the wind

And I'll walk with You

Through the fire and the rain

You'll carry me

When my hope seems undone

Praise to the Lord, oh my soul

Praise to the Lord, for all that You are

You are the hope of my soul

Praise to the Lord, for all that You are

I'm broken

Yet perfectly sewn

Your story

A masterful tone

And I'll walk with You 

Through the fire and the rain

You'll carry me

When my hope seems undone

Praise to the Lord, oh my soul

Praise to the Lord, for all that You are

You are the hope of my soul

Praise to the Lord, for all that You are

Perfect Jesus, no You won't let me go

Gracious Jesus, no You won't let me go

I think these words hit me so hard because the more time I have waiting around for this all to happen, the more time I have to let the fears seep in. I can openly and honestly admit that I have fears, even though I have peace. Yes I know that it is going to be OK, but I am human and man do I get attacked with lies. We all do, whether we know God or not, it is if we can turn those back to Him and trust that changes the course of the way we step forward. I can fully trust that God has brought me to this moment for a purpose and it would have never happened without the way he has orchestrated my life. 

Friday is my CT Scan in Dallas. No it isn't a big deal, nor does it require a lot of me, but it makes this all that much more real, since this is the last thing they need before we can schedule my surgery. Schedule my Surgery.... Who wants to do that? But I a reminded that He has literally brought me through fire and rain. He has literally carried me though. I have been through so much that I could write an entire novel on it all. There have been so many times when my life was in danger and He just protected me. I don't know why and I don't know how, but that is our God. 

It is so beautiful and personal to me when it says "I'm broken, Yet perfectly sewn". I am. I literally have been and will be broken, but He will perfectly sew me back. I will be like a new person and He will be able to use my new energy in new ways. It is really hard to imagine because I have not known anything else from the way I have always lived. It is so exciting and what an amazing gift. I am also reminded that He never has and will not let me go. What a Perfect Jesus. 

So we just ask for your prayer. For safe travels to Dallas on Friday. That the UT Southwestern Team get the exact pictures that they need and that everything will be as the surgeon wants and needs to proceed. Also just ask for prayer for peace. I cannot stand the fears and the lies. I just want them removed. I know that is possible.

Thank you all for your amazing and abundant support. We have been so stricken with humbleness and gratefulness of your love for us. Hope you have a beautiful week!

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, trustworthiness, gentleness, self-control." - Galatians 5:22

I didn't have a verse planned for this post, as I did before when verses just came to me. So this was the verse of the day on a Bible app I have. I sit here and process this and it is hitting me that the fruit of the Spirit doesn't happen overnight. It comes slowly as you are changed and healed and renewed. I can say that through the work God has been doing in myself and in Matt, we hopefully are producing fruit in these areas. I think we will always be refined throughout every adventure, obstacle, struggle, joy, and tear that we face. That leads me into this post after a year of not writing anything.

Last time I wrote was when we were still living in Philadelphia after news of no surgery plans for me. Well a lot has happened since then. I am not sure if I ever mentioned this, but Matt and I prayed for a very long time that God would heal my heart. We honestly believed that God was so much bigger than the heart condition I was born with and that He could do anything because He is the ultimate physician and my creator. After the news that nothing could be done, I think we stopped praying that, but God never stopped listening. He never stopped loving. He never forgot.

About a year ago I emailed my original Cardiologists in L.A. that I had gone through all this testing and they told me there was again nothing they could do either. I asked them if they wanted the tests for their records, since I would never see the doctor in Philly again. They said yes and I had them sent. About a month after that I received an email that they would like to take the results and present them to the Cardiology team and the surgeon. I said yes not expecting anything to come of it. Then I got an email a bit after that, that may forever change my life.

I was told that the surgeon who did my update in 2002 had a plan to correct my heart. They didn't know much detail and said it would be a big undertaking, but at some point when I visit California, I should meet with him. Thanks to an amazing friend who encouraged me to go to a conference in California, I had a reason to go and got an appointment with the surgeon. All I can say again is that God never forgot our prayer. This surgeon can whole heartedly repair my heart.

Yes this will be a major surgery. There is a pretty low risk, but a large undertaking. I will have to do some updated pretesting in Texas, then fly to California for the surgery. It may be able to be done all at one time, which is what our prayers are for. If there is any risk, they will split it into two surgeries, about a week or so apart. The healing time could be 1-3 weeks. The surgeon estimates 2 and then I could fly home. Matt would only be able to be there for a few days and that will be rough.

Am I scared? Yes, I would be lying if I said I wasn't. Am I excited? You have no idea. To be completely honest, it is actually hard to believe that the dreams I have of running, climbing mountains, and having children can come true. It is so hard to believe that Jesus loves me so much that He will heal my heart through this gifted surgeon.

So I leave this post with something one of my really amazing friends told me. She said, your baby (the one we lost) saved your life. I sit back and am starting to be grateful for a very painful time in our lives. That without that baby, we would have never gone through the testing and maybe would never have been at the point we are at now. Wow! When I see our baby in heaven one day I will never want to let go for what that baby did for me, did for us. Jesus sacrificed His life for me, our baby sacrifices his/her life for me. I am humbled.

This was a long post, but we ask for prayer. A lot of prayer. Prayer for finances for the surgery, prayers for testing to go smoothly and well, prayers for the travel and the logistics of everything, prayers for being apart, prayers for one surgery and not two, prayers for quick healing, prayers for me not worrying about every detail. I honestly could go on. Prayers for however God leads you to pray. Thank you for reading and loving us through this.

Moving on....and on

"Keep me safe, O God, for I have come to you for refuge" - Psalm 16:1

We have not written in a long time. Months have gone by and a lot has happened. We want to move on and look towards God in hope. We don't want to retrace the hard steps we have had to go through. Life is hard. We realized that we should be on our knees daily asking for guidance from God and not trying to control our lives, or let the words of others control our lives.

This summer we decided to proceed with testing to see if there would be any possibilities for surgery for me to benefit our future. After days of testing and a month of waiting we were told by a woman we have only seen 3 other times that there is nothing they can do now, or maybe ever. She proceeded to give her opinion on how she foresaw my life and my future, and it was horrible. She had just gone to an ethics seminar and felt that as a doctor she should give all information, even if not great or factual. I don't need to go into details becuase it does not matter.

Her words haunt me. Not becuase they are true or factual, but because they are all I have heard recently. They have stripped me of my trust in God. They cause me unneeded stress and nightmares. I know she meant well, but she was only going off what she has seen in her 3-4 years of practice. I have to go back to God. Her words have no value or truth for me becuase God writes my story and not her. There was no factual information that she gave me that would even cause me to need to worry. Why do we let others control us with their words?

I have thought many times about writing her a letter, but I don't need revenge, and I don't need to prove anything. I really just want her to know that her words were harmful.

We want to move on. We want the life back that we had before any of this ever happened. We want to trust God again and be seeking Him daily. November is a bit of a tough month since our baby was meant to be born on November 17th. We want to move on in the hope of having a child some day. We wish we had the money for surrogacy. We wish we were in a stable place to start the adoption process. But we are not there yet and we need to enjoy this next year that is full of a few moves and a lot of adventure.

Writing is very healing for me. I have been doing it my whole life. I am hoping that through writing I will find true healing. I love the verse of the day above. It is so simple, but yet I forget to do it all the time.


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Learning To Move On

Grace by U2

Grace
She takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

She carries a pearl
In perfect condition
What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings

Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things

Grace finds beauty
In everything

Grace finds goodness
In everything 

It has been a while since we posted anything. One becuase it has been very difficult, and two because there are not words to speak what we truly went through. Last Thursday was more painful physically and emotionally than we ever imagined. We found peace with our decision and really felt like God was confirming our decision, but that never meant we were not going to feel the sting and weight of it. The days that followed we felt a lot of shame, a lot of sorrow, and a lot of sadness in what we had to do. The hardest part was the spiritual attacks that followed. They were in our thoughts and were in our dreams. One night we played Scrabble and half way in the game I just felt really sad. I started to tell Matt how ashamed I was and we just sat and felt the pain again. That night I kept having nightmares of playing Scrabble and the words Abortion and Termination kept going on the board over and over. I was haunted by those words. I hate those words. I hate what they mean.

But something really amazing has come out of all of this. Not only are we stronger in our marriage, and so much closer to God than we ever have been, but we also have experience true Grace and really understand the meaning. I took a couple of verses from the song Grace by U2 that have really spoke to us. This song was playing in our car as we left the hospital last Thursday. The only thing that has gotten us through the pain is the grace of God. We have had grace when we read the Bible, when friends come visit us, when we receive amazing emails and phone calls, when friends bring us food, when family support us with gifts and trips, when people have sent us verses, songs and poems to reflect on, when we have felt so much love and support through all of this, and absolutely no judgement. We understand what Jesus felt on the cross and what He truly bore for us. He carried this weight and He wants us to find freedom and victory that He promised to us.

So each day we move on. Each day we remember our baby that is now with Jesus. We also look forward to what will come of this and what God has planned for our future. We know however it is right for us, we will have a family some day. We hope to keep this blog going to share our lives with you, and one day open it up to those who do not know what we went through. Thank you again for all your love and support!

Let Your Mercies Fall From Heaven

This song is simple, it is powerful, it is very real to me. Here are the Lyrics to Sweet Mercies by David Ruis  

It's our confession Lord, that we are weak 
So very weak, but You are strong 
And though we've nothing Lord, to lay at your feet 
We come to Your feet and say, Help us along. 
A broken heart and a contrite spirit You have yet to deny 
Your heart of mercy beats with love's strong current 
Let the river flow by your Spirit now, Lord we cry 
Let Your mercies fall from heaven 
Sweet mercies flow from heaven 
New mercies for today 
Shower them down Lord as we pray 
Let Your mercies fall from heaven 
Sweet mercies flow from heaven 
New mercies for today 
Shower them down Lord as we pray

We are so weak right now, but The Lord's strength is all that get's us through. We are on our knees every day asking the Lord to guide us, to give us strength and comfort, to make this easier on us. I don't think there is anyway we would be able to be at work without His strength. The Holy Spirit is living in us and guiding us every day. We cannot deny that. I have this image of The Lord's mercies falling from heaven. I have this image that myself and Matt are on a rock in the middle of a raging ocean and the rock is all there is to keep us from drowning. It is sunny and warm and we are just standing there with our arms lifted to the sky praising Jesus for keeping us on His solid rock.

My Cardiologist emailed me today and said she was impressed by my strength. It is not my strength. It is not our strength. We do not have strength. The only strength we have to even wake up each day is from Jesus and no one else. This is the most painful thing we have ever faced. This is the one thing that we do not want anyone we know to ever have to go through. We cannot sit here and ask God why He is allowing this because we truly recognize what an awful, fallen world we live in, and in this world there will be great pain and we will have broken bodies.

But we know that one day we will meet Jesus and have no more pain and meet our baby. We felt that in the resurrection weekend that Jesus truly bore our pain, he endured our burden, and he carried this for us. We also know that He rose again with great victory and that no matter what happens, no matter what we decide, He has won the battle for us. We have seen some amazing things come out of this, whether it is recognized by others or not. We have seen people in our lives come closer to God, we have seen people pray that don't, we have seen people seek God that did not before. And we have never been so close to God before.

So with that we endure and we are grateful.