Dealing with difficult news

Alli's perspective: I couldn't have asked for a more compassionate, caring, sympathetic Cardiologist to be truly honest with us about this pregnancy and the "medical risks" it includes. I am able to think more clearly today than I could last night. Last night was too difficult for words and I couldn't think or sleep.

The medical reality was given to us. For a fetus to develop doctors look for at the least 92% oxygen saturation. If it goes below that, even by 1% they get very concerned. I can give only 80%. That is all my body offers. Nothing aside from God can be done to increase my saturation. She said she has never heard of a fetus able to survive on that low of oxygen. She said chances are I will not make it through the first trimester. Maybe at the most 20 weeks. If I do make it past that then we will have to talk because I could become very sick. But she wasn't wanting to discuss that now.

I could tell this was so hard for her to tell us. She spent an hour and a half with us after her normal hours asking us how we are feeling. She wanted us to know the reality, but still be able to somehow walk out of there, not give up, still have hope, and enjoy the pregnancy. She knew that would be hard. She let me cry, she let us just talk it out. We told her that we know we are not in control and if God wants this baby to survive then it will. She agreed, which was pretty cool. She said she was going to make some calls after we left and get me into an obgyn next week. She said she will treat us like any other patient and get us the best care and support us through this.

My heart is sad. My mind cannot grasp this, but I am not giving up. God made a virgin women pregnant, a barren woman pregnant, and can do that today. I am going to try my hardest to lay this down at the feet of Jesus every day and trust him. I need strength to not get distracted, hopeless and depressed. I need hope, and grace. I need you to understand how hard this news already is and how crucial it is that no one else knows about this. I couldn't handle that right now. Your prayers are needed daily.

Matt's perspective: Obviously we're a little devastated by this news. It wasn't what we were wanting to hear, but I think we also both knew it was likely news. The past 2 weeks or so have been quite amazing and a blissful blessing. We've been enjoying this pregnancy for what it is without a cloud above us; it has been great and I'm thankful for that. It is difficult to stay positive given the circumstance, but I am still approaching this one day at a time.

I told Alli yesterday, I will not grieve for our living child. This is still a happy time for us and we're approaching it that way. I still pray daily for our baby just as I have been before this news. Yes I'm sad and greatly concerned, but I'm trusting in God. We're still preparing, we're still expecting.