Learning To Move On

Grace by U2

Grace
She takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

She carries a pearl
In perfect condition
What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings

Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things

Grace finds beauty
In everything

Grace finds goodness
In everything 

It has been a while since we posted anything. One becuase it has been very difficult, and two because there are not words to speak what we truly went through. Last Thursday was more painful physically and emotionally than we ever imagined. We found peace with our decision and really felt like God was confirming our decision, but that never meant we were not going to feel the sting and weight of it. The days that followed we felt a lot of shame, a lot of sorrow, and a lot of sadness in what we had to do. The hardest part was the spiritual attacks that followed. They were in our thoughts and were in our dreams. One night we played Scrabble and half way in the game I just felt really sad. I started to tell Matt how ashamed I was and we just sat and felt the pain again. That night I kept having nightmares of playing Scrabble and the words Abortion and Termination kept going on the board over and over. I was haunted by those words. I hate those words. I hate what they mean.

But something really amazing has come out of all of this. Not only are we stronger in our marriage, and so much closer to God than we ever have been, but we also have experience true Grace and really understand the meaning. I took a couple of verses from the song Grace by U2 that have really spoke to us. This song was playing in our car as we left the hospital last Thursday. The only thing that has gotten us through the pain is the grace of God. We have had grace when we read the Bible, when friends come visit us, when we receive amazing emails and phone calls, when friends bring us food, when family support us with gifts and trips, when people have sent us verses, songs and poems to reflect on, when we have felt so much love and support through all of this, and absolutely no judgement. We understand what Jesus felt on the cross and what He truly bore for us. He carried this weight and He wants us to find freedom and victory that He promised to us.

So each day we move on. Each day we remember our baby that is now with Jesus. We also look forward to what will come of this and what God has planned for our future. We know however it is right for us, we will have a family some day. We hope to keep this blog going to share our lives with you, and one day open it up to those who do not know what we went through. Thank you again for all your love and support!